No one at work tells jokes, all I get is "dont know any" - so now I ask all of you

"Do you know any jokes", they dont have to be good as mine usually arnt

start the ball rolling:

One fine day two idiots go on a hunting trip . While passing through a field the first idiot looks up and says, “Bloody Hell” and fires both barrels of his shot gun into the air. The second idiot replies “What did you do that for, that was a Handglider”. The first idiot turns to his friend “I don’t care what it was, at least it let go of that bloke”.

Hahahahhaha, I don't know why but I found that hilarious.

My friend's father told me this one:

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, a woman at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the woman, "I gotta try that!" So she orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and falls to her death. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

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Two Blonds walked into a building.
You would have thought one of them would have seen it.

Two Blonds were sitting on the floor. One fell off.

Got to say them at the right moment though.

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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,” God continued pointing to diff erent countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God “That’s BRITAIN, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from England are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in France.”

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Midian: Real authentic stuff is the pizza the Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles eat. Fast, cheap and sloppy
Midian: Like NA
CurryKing: I wanted the title to be: This image is in no way grooming you for Thor's mighty hammer

During a flight ...

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

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LOL

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Have you hugged a sumo today?

MAD-JO3, those were hilarious. What do you do for a living?

At Logan Airport, this transaction occurred, true story.

Flight 1: Boston Tower, we were just involved in a near collision.
Flight 2: I concur.

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Sarah and Joanne are wrong- this stays in here until it's proven.

whats the new politicaly correct term for lesbian?


Vagitarian




what do u call a lesbian eskimo?




Klondike




how do u piss off a female archeologist?




give her a used tampon and ask her what period its from?






how can u tell if a auto mechanic just had sex?





one of his fingers is clean

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..keep em coming

How does a blind parachutist know when they are near to the ground……the lead goes slack.


A tramp walks into a cafe and asks “could you spare me any food please”, the owner shakes his head and asks him to leave if he can not buy anything. A man over in the corner shouts out “here you go, you can have my food” and offers the man a bowl of stew. Happy at the offer of food, the tramp tucks in. As he takes the last few spoon fulls he see a huge black beetle at the bottom of the bowl and throws everything back up. “That’s funny” said the man “that’s how far I got”.

Haha nice one Yeti

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Have you hugged a sumo today?

Here's a typical swedish joke:

- What is the most overrated thing about foot sweat?
- ??
- Water in the knees!

Fun, ey...?

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Also known as the guy that always pisses gondee off with his huge avatars.

Some true quotes ^^

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What do you call a lesbian hippopotamus?





Licalatapus




Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?

I'm female, so I can say this one...

Q. If a woman gets hit by a bus, whose fault is it?
A. The bus driver's. What was he doing driving a bus in a kitchen?

Lol!

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~TQ

Hah!

My old science teacher told us this one:

- What do you call a woman who's more than 20 feet away from a kitchen?

- On the run!

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What did 5 fingers say to the face?

SLAP!


I'm RICK JAMES BITCH!

I was told these by a female - hope that counts

Q: Why did the woman cross the road

A:Whats she doing out of the kitchen


Q Why did cave men drag their women by the hair

A because if they did it by the ankles theyd fill up!


Sorry about this one in advance ladys ( again told to me by a female )

Q why do women have legs

A Have you seen the mess a slug makes!

One of my friends used this in drama last year when he was doing some improvisatinal work

Why do women have evolved with smaller feet than men?
So that they can get closer to the sink.

The girl he was working with then slapped him (possibly improvisation)

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...best one yet

How many white people does it take to screw in a light bulb?



None, cuz they'll get a nigga to do it for 'em.


What's the best way for a man to get rid of 150lbs of unwanted fat?



Divorce her.

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Pfffft

ok so a man(we'll call him bob) walks into a bar and sees another man(this can be jim) sitting at the bar. on the counter top was a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. bob walks up to jim and questions the mini piano player. jim pointed to a magic genie lamp and says, "Rub it" bob does so and a genie pops out from the lamp. "Ill grant you any wish" the genie says. Bob thinks for a minute then says, "Ok i want a million bucks" "your wish has been granted." the genie disapeared and bob looked outside to see one million ducks falling from the sky. "Hey i wanted a milllions bucks not a million ducks" Jim turns to bob n says "yea well u think i wanted a 12 inch pianist?"

3 men are walking their dogs. A white man a black man and a chinese man. they come to a bridge with an ugly gremlin at the other side. the gremlin calls over "if u can cross the bridge without your dog shitting on the bridge then u can go free. if not you will be sent to hell and your dogs will be set free." So the white man gets halfway across and his dog shit on the bridge. he went to hell and his dog was set free. the black gets across the bridge until the dog ran back onto the bridge and shit on it. the black man went to hell and the dog was set free. the chinese successfully crosses the bridge and the gremlin replies, "how in the world did you do that? i was controlling all of those dog's minds." the chinese man replies, " me chinese, me think fast, me shove cork up doggies ass"

-whats worse then finding seven dead squirels in one trashcan?
-Finding one dead squirel in seven trashcans

-How many DBZ characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Only one, but it takes 27 episodes to do it

Ok, RedTyga, was that really necessary?

It wasn't even funny, if you are going to make a joke at a races expense, at least make it funny...

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transientb.bandcamp.com